Lex Friedman blogs here.

Lex Friedman is Macworld's senior writer and the the co-host of the Unprofessional podcast on the Mule Radio Syndicate.

He runs the Podlexing podcast advertising network.

Lex's first book, The Snuggie Sutra, is exactly what it sounds like. His most recent book is a Dr. Seuss parody for adults; it's called The Kid in the Crib.

You should follow him on both Twitter and App.net.

Lex would be delighted to speak at your awesome event.

Podlexing, the podcast advertising network

Late last week, I unveiled Podlexing, a podcast advertising network. Allow me to explain.

The goal of Podlexing is to help excellent advertisers sync up with comparably excellent podcasts. 

The origin story goes like this: I sold ads for my own show with Dave Wiskus, Unprofessional, and got pretty good at it over time. Another podcast host asked me to sell ads for his podast, also hosted on Mule Radio. And eventually Mule asked if I'd help them sell ads across all the shows on the network. 

Then I started helping out Macworld with its podcast ads.

And then Marco Arment asked if I'd help him sell ads on Accidental Tech Podcast. And then Jason Snell asked if I could help out with The Incomparable

So eventually, the shows I was helping sell sponsorship slots became numerous enough that I figured I should hang up a virtual shingle; Podlexing was born.

If you'd like to sponsor some truly great podcasts, get in touch. And if you happen to host a truly great podcast that I don't already sell sponsorships for, let's fix that.

Posted on May 12th, 2013

Jared Moshe and Unprofessional t-shirts

You have just three days left to buy an Unprofessional t-shirt. Don't make the biggest mistake of your life. And also don't forget to buy a shirt. 

On our most recent episode, we hosted Jared Moshé, the writer/director of the indie western Dead Man's Burden. Take a listen to Eages Versus Giants

Two great sponsors:

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Posted on May 12th, 2013

Five Unprofessional updates

Here’s what’s going on in the world of Unprofessional.

1. The Unprofessional t-shirts are here. We’re taking orders through May 15. Order yours now!

2. Last week, Jim Coudal guested on the show. We discuss vacations, talking to strangers, and more.

Two great sponsors: Transporter: Peer-to-Peer Storage Solution like Dropbox, except you remain in complete control. Save 10 percent with code “unprofessional” at checkout.

Hoban Cards specializes in beautiful letterpress printed calling cards. Get free shipping with promo code “HUMBLEBRAG”—which is pretty stinking great.

3. This week, our guest was Neven Mrgan from Panic. We discuss swearing and fingernail maintenance. It’s very, very funny. And we discuss a great scene from The Wire, too.

Two great sponsors again! Visit Audible.com for a free, 30-day trial and choose from 100,000+ audiobooks. Unprofessional listeners get a free audiobook!

And again, Transporter: Peer-to-Peer Storage Solution like Dropbox, except you remain in complete control. Use “unprofessional” at checkout to save ten percent!

4. When you visit our sponsors, it’s a huge help. Check out the Transporter. Get a free trial from Audible. And if you need awesome, letterpress business cards, go to Hoban. We’ll owe you.

5. Amy Jane Gruber on Unprofession-Úll Live: Completing her hattrick, Amy visits Unprofessional again, for her second live episode. And we did something special with the show: Instead of being a regular episode, it’s a $1 extra. Check it out.

Posted on May 3rd, 2013

Josh Malina and Cabel Sasser on Unprofessional

I mean, not at the same time. That might be too much awesomeness to contain in one podcast.

But it's true, both actor Josh Malina (The West Wing, Sports Night, Scandal) and Internet legend Cabel Sasser (Panic, Buggy Saints Row, Dorito-related Blogging) were both kind enough to drop by Unprofessional in recent weeks. 

Both were excellent podcast guests.

#35 Joshua Malina — I Offer a More Boutique Experience

Josh reveals the shocking truth behind Michael Ian Black's most offensive tweet. Two great sponsors:

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#36 Cabel Sasser — Same Great Taste, Bold New Logo

Come for Cabel's live cover of our theme song—with lyrics. Stay for the podcast full of Sasser-inspired awesomeness. Including the future hit song "What is the Deal With Tomatoes?"

Fantastic sponsor: Colugo. Share photos and videos privately. Simple. No gimmicks.

Posted on April 22nd, 2013

Shelter in Place

After previous attacks against the country, our elected leaders have urged us to get back to work, to start living life normally again; failure to do so, it is said, means that the terrorists “win.”

I want everyone responsible for the Boston Marathon attack caught and punished. But with Boston and its surrounding towns and cities all shut down right now, who is winning on Friday, April 19?

Telling everyone to stay inside and lock their doors seems kind of, you know, terror-ish.

I’m not suggesting that the current response is wrong. I am saying that it’s rather disconcerting.

Posted on April 19th, 2013

Ain't No Thing: The Grammar of African American Vernacular English

A different version of this post appeared in The Magazine. Subscribe!

In 1996, the Oakland, California school board officially recognized the legitimacy of Ebonics. Note that no modern linguist embraces the term “Ebonics”; the more accurate—and less politically charged—label is African American Vernacular English (AAVE). Ebonics is more [LF to GF: is “colorful” inappropriate here? It’s what I want, but worry about connotation; other term I could use is “fun to say”], but I’ll stick with AAVE here.

With that out of the way: When the school board in northern California issued its decree on AAVE, it, controversy erupted. Mostly because people didn’t actually understand what the heck was going on.

The educators in California weren’t hoping to teach kids AAVE; this wasn’t an attempt to get “ain’t” in the grammar books. Rather, the Oakland school board’s ruling was meant to stop unfairly punishing kids whose first instinct was to speak the way they were taught to at home.

Critics of AAVE attacked strawmen—Jim ScareCrows, if you will: “You can’t teach this stuff!” they fretted, though no one wanted to teach it. And, just as wrongly, they claimed that AAVE was sloppy, messy, unstructured language. Let’s disprove that falsehood first.

The grammar of AAVE: negatives

Though AAVE doesn’t follow traditional American English’s rules of grammar, it instead enforces its own. Some of AAVE’s grammatical structures closely mirror those of French. (Zut alors!) Here are a couple examples.

A common AAVE construction follows this pattern:

I ain’t got none.
I ain’t singin’ nothing.
I ain’t never eat no sushi.

English grammar teachers might cringe at the offensive double negatives on display. They’re ungrammatical in traditional English, but they’re not without precedent. As you can see, AAVE wraps negators on either side of the verbs. Here are those same sentences in French:

Je n‘en ai pas.
Je ne chanterai pas.
Je n‘ai jamais manger des sushis.

As you can see, French does exactly the same thing. What in traditional English would qualify as an ungrammatical double negative, in French—and AAVE—is in fact the correct and necessary phrasing. Though obviously different from English’s own rules, the two-part negation in French isn’t wrong in the latter language, any more than it’s wrong that the word for “annoying” in French is “pénible.”

If you judge I ain’t got none as standard English, it’s certainly wrong. But judged on its own merits, given its strong adherence to its own rules for negation, AAVE’s negations follow its own strict grammar.

An interesting element of AAVE’s rules for negatives is that, in negative statements, every possible negation should be used:

I ain’t tell nobody nothing about no sushi.

The grammar of AAVE: the imperfect

Another way that AAVE’s gramar rules mirror those of French: both employ an imperfect tense. Traditional American English doesn’t have such a tense, but it’s easy enough to grasp.

The imperfect (l’imparfait in French) is a kind of past tense. In French, the imperfect tense is used for a variety of purposes, most of which are beyond our scope right now. (You can merçi me later for not getting into them.) But one common use of the French imperfect is to describe habitual, repeated actions or states of existence.

“In high school, I read a lot.” Au lycée, je lisais beaucoup.

Let’s not discuss all the different verb tenses and endings in French, but the “ais” suffix attached to the verb lire (to read), indicates that we’re using the imperfect tense here, referring to a habitual reading during my high school years. AAVE offers a very similar tense, but instead of suffixes, it leverages the presence of the verb to be.

The following AAVE sentence indicates that the individual being described is currently in the act of exhibiting craziness, but isn’t habitually so:

He crazy, but he don’t be crazy.

Prescriptivists* object vehemently to AAVE’s dropping of the seemingly necessary “to be” verb “is” before the first “crazy,” and the mismatched use of “be” in the latter half of the sentence. Again, though, this isn’t sloppy English. It’s rule-based AAVE. The rules in question here: Drop any “to be” verb when describing the present tense (“He crazy”), and use “be” regardless of the subject to identify an imperfect tense verb (“He be crazy”).

* Prescriptivists decree grammar rules, and identify right and wrong usages. Descriptivists, on the other hand, analyze the rules language speakers actually employ, and study them. Linguists generally believe that the actual rules of grammar are the ones that you can use to describe how speakers of a language really use it.

These are but two of the many grammatical constructs that govern AAVE. The point isn’t that AAVE’s grammar rules are just like French’s. Many AAVE grammar rules emulate rules from other languages: Its use of unmarked past tense (for example, omitting the -ed suffix as in He pass his driver’s test yesterday) is akin to similar structures in Asian and Native American languages; its unmarked plurality in noun phrases (I want three scoop [of] ice cream) hews closely to how Japanese works.

The point, then, is that AAVE is a language. Rather than being sloppy or haphazard, it’s strictly rule-based; you can speak AAVE incorrectly. If it were sloppy, you wouldn’t see AAVE speakers making the same so-called mistakes again and again.

It’s easy to ascribe criticisms of AAVE as a language to racism, and probably often accurate, too, but those criticisms are likely just as often rooted in ignorance regarding what languages really are. Critics may claim that AAVE is just “made up,” forgetting that American English isn’t exactly codified in our DNA, either.

(That said, if you feel like really blowing your own mind, dive into Noam Chomsky’s theory of Universal Grammar, to learn how many linguists do believe that the roots of language—and specifically grammar—are hard-wired into the human brain, and that certain grammar rules are endemic to all human language.)

Okay, so AAVE is a language. So what? What the heck was Oakland’s point in the mid-1990s?

AAVE, education, and code switching

Ray Jackendoff, currently the Co-director of the Center for Cognitive Studies at Tufts University, and formerly Chair of the Linguistics Program at Brandeis University while I studied there, studied linguistics under Chomsky at MIT. When I spoke to him about AAVE, he pointed me toward a brief passage in his 2002 book Foundations of Language, wherein he makes this point:

“An important part of learning to read is appreciating how orthography reflects pronunciation. If one is teaching reading of Standard English to a child who does not speak it, it is difficult to establish this crucial link.”

Rebecca Wheeler is a linguistics professor at Christopher Newport University in Newport News Virginia. It was Professor Wheeler who schooled me on my use of the term “Ebonics”: “When the public uses the term Ebonics, it pulls with it all the societal negative connotations—the ridicule, the jokes, the sneering, all of that, so linguists don’t use the term. It’s not a technical term, and we seek to avoid negative associations.”

Wheeler would also want me to stress this insight she offered me: “To suggest AA[V]E is legitimate because its rules emulate other languages is to make it dreivative and comparitive, instead of focusing on its own inteneral integrity, regardless of its similarites to modern American English and anything else.”

When I told Wheeler that my plan was to write a piece on the grammar of Ebonics, she—in the most polite terms—indicated that such a piece would miss the important story.

Remember, Oakland wasn’t trying to get Ebonics taught in its schools. Rather, the school board’s ruling aimed to encourage teachers to accept that students growing up with AAVE spoke it as its own distinct language; judging their first language as lousy English, instead of accepting it on its own merits did those students a serious education disadvantage.

“It’s fifteen years later, and nobody knows this stuff,” Wheeler said.

What Wheeler advocates for is teaching students who speak AAVE at home the concept of code switching. The general idea is simply the notion of switching between two different languages as needed.

Rather than labeling their language use as incorrect when students speak or write in AAVE, Wheeler says, teachers should instead coach those students: In formal writing, we say, “I’m not doing anything,” not, “I ain’t doing nothing.”

That’s basically it. Schools should recognize the legitimacy of AAVE as a language for their students, and teach those students to recognize when and how to switch between AVE and American English as appropriate. But most schools don’t do that. They simply teach students that they they speak is wrong. Don’t talk this way, talk our way.

Wheeler wanted me to use this piece to call attention to the fact that the Ebonics controversy of the 1990s didn’t end the right way, that we’re still not doing right by children who grow up with AAVE.

“The consequences are that students are being terribly misassesed in our schools. Teachers think that black kids are making mistakes, when really they’re recreating what they hear and learn at home,” Wheeler said. “They’re counting as mistakes things that are patterns and rule-based, so [the students are] being placed in lower reading groups, and deprived of education and educational enrichment.”

Many of us unfairly judge others based on how they speak. Kenneth the Page on the late, great 30 Rock spoke with a southern accent meant to exemplify his yokel-ness. Maybe you think that British accents sound dignified, or that the Minnesota accent on display in Fargo belies its speakers’ intellectual inferiority.

I asked Wheeler what I could do, or what I could encourage The Magazine’s readers to do. How would my writing about AAVE—its grammar, the education challenges it presents—help matters along?

“People don’t always realize that dialect prejudice still exists,” Wheeler told me. “Reminding them, and explaining notions like the grammatical rules that govern AAVE—that’s a true ‘Aha!’ experience. That alone is important, and people can grasp it—and grasping it, that’s actually a big thing… The consequences are big.”

And Wheeler’s not convinced that linguists have lost this battle yet. “I hope we’re not at the end, because nobody” in the education system seems to understand the facts surrounding AAVE—and the educational solutions: “Teachers do not, school systems do not, reading tests do not, textbooks do not—it’s as if us linguists have been talking into the wind, and it’s dispersed like smoke. We are no-fucking-where.”

One issue, Wheeler says, is that even great teachers are still just people—average people. “An average person does not have the patience to deal with the details of understanding standard English grammar, vernacular English grammar, and figuring out what it all means. The testing system remains entrenched in proper grammar, bad grammar, right and wrong. There’s no room for anything else. It’s appalling.”

And that’s precisely why Wheeler was happy that I was writing this piece. “Sharing the story of AAVE with lay people is a good thing.”

The future soon

AAVE isn’t going to disappear. You might assume that the Internet and our increasing connectedness would lead to a general homogenization of language over time—I did—but we’d both be wrong. “”There’s some recent work out by William Labov from the University of Pennsylvania,” Wheeler told me, “and he has demonstrated that dialects are diverging in the United States; they are not converging. One explanation that is cited is that we change and become similar in language only when we’re in true contact, in authentic linguistic contact, with our interlocoteur. So if you and I came from different parts of the country and moved next door to each other for ten or fifteen years, the language contact in promixity would mean that our speech might become more similar to each other, because we’re having real conversations … engaging in real, authentic, two-way conversation.”

Wheeler continued: “By contrast, media is not an authentic linguistic engagement; it is a one-way system that does not involve a person producing any language at all, so it’s not an authetnic linguistic contact. The media actually does not really influence peoples’ dialects very much.”

Couple the failure of the Internet and mass media to assimilate AAVE with the reality that African American populations are increasingly separated from white populations by socioeconomics, and the only reasonable expectation is, Wheeler says, “the divergence of the language.”

So if our language isn’t going to merge despite the Internet, maybe there’s a chance that our educational philosophies can improve because of it.

Posted on April 16th, 2013

The Icktionary

Many, many moons ago, some folks from Clorox asked if I would contribute some words to a new website they were creating, an Icktionary. I love words, and I love grossness, so the Icktinoary was right up my alley in name alone.

The site is filled with funny words for the grossness you'll encounter everyday life, and the hope, of course, is that you'll use a fine product from Clorox to clean up said ickiness when you see it.

Because I have the maturity of a seven-year-old, I'm a big fan airbola (also known as flyarrhea), the word for when you sit next to a sick person on an airplane. I'm also a fan of Germs of Endearment—when your loved ones sneeze all over your face and clothes. 

Also, I'm a dad. So, you know. Experience.

Posted on April 10th, 2013

Ophira Eisenberg on Unprofessional

NPR has two great gameshows, both of which are a hoot to listen to. Ophira Eisenberg hosts one of them—Ask Me Another. And she was gracious enough to drop by Unprofessional. 

And There’s Spit Going Through Your Instrument

She was a great guest, with a lot of very funny things to say. We talked about zoos, music, magic, and the dark side of improv comedy.

Three awesome sponsors. Visit them all!

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Posted on April 3rd, 2013

Lex at Úll

In addition to speaking at One More Thing in May, I'm also delighted to report that I'll be presenting at this year's Úll conference in Ireland

My topic at Úll will either be Six Ways to Type The Accented Ú in Úll Faster or Learning From Apple's Mistakes

At One More Thing, I'll be talking about how developers should imagine their apps from the reviewer's respective, and—perhaps even more importantly—how to pitch the tech press about your app without making members of said press want to kill you and/or themselves.

I'm honored to be speaking at both conferences, and am looking forward to each.

Posted on March 29th, 2013

Lex at One More Thing

I'll be speaking at the One More Thing conference in Australia in May, and you ought to come. Early bird registration is now open.

My talk will be about how to think about your app from the perspective of the person who will review it—and plan accordingly. And just as importantly, I'll offer some advice on how to pitch and announce your app to the press.

Oh, and Wiskus will be there. Unprofessional live down under. It's happening. And it's sponsored by Squarespace

Posted on March 21st, 2013

Dave Coulier on Unprofessional

This week's Unprofessional features Dave Coulier. For realsies.

Dave is a hoot on the show, and he is kind of exactly what you'd hope he'd be: Funny, down-to-earth, and full of excellent, poop-related stories.

Two great sponsors: Things brings elegant task management to the cloud. Get it now. ​And PDFpen for iPhone: Powerful PDF editing, now in a convenient travel size.


 

Posted on March 19th, 2013

Lex gets lost: How I learned to stop worrying by loving GPS

A different version of this piece first appeared in Issue 10 of The Magazine

My in-laws, the Krutzels, live just ten minutes away. We visit fairly frequently. Each time I drive to their home along Route 9, as I approach their exit, I repeat a stupid mnemonic device in my head: “The Kwutzels live in the west.”

I say this line to myself each time I drive to their house so that I’ll remember which of the two exits I need to take: Hill Road East, or Hill Road West? When we first moved to New Jersey, I couldn’t even remember if which exit I took depended upon the direction I was traveling on Route 9. Thus was born the Kwutzels.

I am terrible at directions.

In the beginning

When I got my driver’s license at 16, I occasionally wanted to drive beyond the confines of my hometown of Wyomissing, Pennsylvania. This was before GPS devices or smartphones were a thing. Instead, when you wanted to know how to get somewhere, you asked Dad, and Dad took out a massive folded map.

I’m bad at directions. I’m awful at maps.

Worse than the maps that Dad would cart out were the directions that he’d provide. Dad’s directions were copiously detailed: “You’ll go past the following four exits: 222, 422, 422 Business, and Pennsylvania 39. And you’ll pass billboards for several restaurants, and a business center with a blue roof. Turn right at the seventh traffic light after the blue roof.”

I would climb in my car and wend my way through my six stapled sheets of directions, sobbing hysterically as I tried to figure out whether I was still on the prescribed or was instead hopelessly lost.

The university of hard lefts

The one at-fault accident I’ve ever been a part of happened during my college years. Staci and I had gone to the mall that day, and were now headed back home to Brandeis. We became increasingly lost.

We ended up somewhere in Boston. This was a problem. Staci and I both grew steadily more upset: We had no clue where we were. The only reason I wasn’t scream/sobbing was that there was another human being in the car, and that human was female.

As we entered YAR (Yet Another Roundabout), we saw salvation: State Police headquarters just ahead! I flipped on my signal to turn right into the station, and I would have gotten away with it too, were it not for the car immediately to our right that I turned into instead.

The roundabout was one goddamn lane, but it immediately became two lanes when you exited the circle. In my defense, the lane markings didn’t indicate that important fact for another several hundred feet, and I was lost, and I was working really hard not to cry in front of a girl.

The two police officers in the parking lot, ready to head home for the day as I literally crashed into the State Police headquarters, took pity on me. By which I mean, after they issued me a $400 ticket for “unsafe turning,” they told me how to get to Brandeis. (Study, study study!)

Truth is, I’m not so great at remembering directions. We made it back, but it was Staci’s job to memorize the directions. I get panicky and can no longer recall whether I was supposed to go left on Hawkins and right on Smithburg, or go left on Smithburg and curl into a ball crying.

Lost Angeles

When my then-fiancée (and now wife) Lauren and I moved to Los Angeles after college, that was a big challenge for me. Everyone drives everywhere in Los Angeles, and the roads follow no discernible pattern. Freeway names are always prefixed with “The,” as in the 405, the 10, the 110, and the 210. There are a couple major roads named Canyons of some sort, and everyone says that one is better than the other, though not everyone agrees. There’s a Little Santa Monica and a Big Santa Monica.

I was screwed.

Lauren quickly learned the ideal way to give me directions. “Head to the stupid intersection, then turn like you’re going to go to Target, but at the light before you’d turn towards target, turn the other way to get to the supermarket.”

Lauren further observed that, very often, my navigational instincts were what experts refer to as “dead fucking wrong.” She eventually coached me that, in general, if I felt lost and my inclination was to turn right, I should turn left instead. That approach worked decently for a while, but then I thought too much: “I think I should turn left, so I’m going to go right, but because I’m going to go right, that probably means I should actually turn left instead.”

GPS Yes

That’s my language. Or at least, it was, for years. Technology has dramatically improved my life on many fronts, and modern computing been the source of my primary income for all of my adult working life—but no single technological advancement has done more to ensure my overall sanity than GPS. I mean, TiVo helped my sanity a lot, since I no longer single-handedly needed to keep the VHS tape label industry in business while capturing all the television I craved, but still: GPS takes the “most improved sanity” award in the Friedman Olympics.

Even before GPS, the advent of cell phones, just those regular dumbphones, any trip behind the wheel of a car where I headed some place I wasn’t sure how to get, my impending death seemed like a very real possibility. I was certain that there was a chance I’d never find my way back home, and that I’d get so lost that I’d never be seen by humanity again. An irrational fear to be sure, but one that consumed me nonetheless. Not unlike my fear of accidentally ingesting eggplant. Anyway, once I had a phone, I felt reassured.

But the freedom that GPS affords me is matched only by the sense of freedom I felt when I first got my license and a car: Then, I knew I theoretically could go anywhere. With GPS, now I know I actually can do it. Except for, you know, Australia.

Laws and in-laws

I use both a third-party GPS unit from a few years back, and a trio of navigation apps on my iPhone, depending upon which car I’m driving and what USB charging cable is inside it. Whichever I’m using, so long as the road it’s suggesting I turn onto exists, I’ll heed its advice.

For some folks, ignoring the instructions their navigational software provides is a badge of honor. By “some folks,” I mean, “my wife’s parents.”

“It wants us to take the turnpike? I’m not doing that. That’s stupid. I’m gonna cut across on 33, turn behind the Wawa, and avoid the traffic.” They say these things, and I have no idea what they mean. But I don’t care, because I have the GPS.

(Direction-related conversation happens more than you might realize. I always try to act like I know what people are talking about, and go with the wisdom of the crowd. At a recent birthday party, one mom asked whether she could turn left out of the lot to pick up something called 34 and take it west to the mall. I had no idea. So I waited until the other parents in the group started nodding in the affirmative, and I joined in. If I’m the only one around when these questions come up, I try to use the same cold-reading style that talking-to-the-dead scam psychics employ: I’ll nod slowly, say tentatively “I… think so…”, ready to shift gears the moment my inquisitor shows any hesitation.” As I’ve written previously, I’m a liar.)

The point is, unlike my in-laws, I listen to and trust the GPS. If I make a wrong turn—or if, on some whim of insanity, I actually do ignore the GPS’s instruction, I know it will forever remain patient, recalculating as needed, to get me where I’m going. But even if I question whether it’s really efficient to zigzag through town, I know that the GPS has my best interest—reaching my destination—in mind. After Siri, the voice that tells me “Now, turn right” is maybe my best friend in the whole wide world.

We have the technology

The downside, of course, is that this basically means I’ll never improve at directions. I’d love to get good at navigation, to truly comprehend maps when I look at them, to internalize the way the roads are laid out, instead of doing my best to simply memorizing which streets connect to which other ones. And I’ve tried.

But now that I can rely on navigational devices and apps to get me from Point A to Point B, whatever learning I’m doing comes more slowly than ever. You sense-of-direction-possessing norms can relate, if not sympathize directly: How many of your friends’ phone numbers or email addresses have you memorized now that your iPhone remembers them all? How many facts—addresses, names, office hours—do you fail to remember, knowing that they’re a simple Web search away? And do you set your iPhone wallpaper to a snapshot of your children’s faces, so that you can remember what they look like now that you stare at your smartphone all the time?

Technology’s a crutch, and lets us offload an increasingly large portion of our brains. I’m okay with it, because I’m assuming that I’m using that freed-up brain space to store other important things instead. As soon as I remember one, I’ll tell you.

But the fact is this: I love my GPS. I’d literally be lost without it.

Posted on March 17th, 2013

Recent Unprofessional episodes

Four recent episodes of Unprofessional that you will enjoy:

#28: Myq Kaplan — Inanely Innocuous

I went to college with Myq, who's now a professional standup comedian. And man, he is really, really funny. (Sponsored by Squarespace.)

#29: John Siracusa — Porn and a Haircut

John is an Internet and podcasting legend. My joy in his appearing on Unprofessional is matched by my joy that he's a regular listener to the show. (Sponsored by ​Ecamm, who has been making award-winning Mac software since 2002, including PhoneView, Call Recorder, iGlasses and Printopia.)

#30: Susan Orlean—In Times Fat or Lean

I knew Susan was a great writer and storyteller, and very smart. I didn't know that she was also quite funny. She is! (Sponsored by Drafts and Phraseology.)

#31: Sean Nelson—Epic Rambling Disquisition on Selfness

Sean was the lead singer of Harvey Danger. I'll freely admit that the only song of theirs that I can sing is Flagpole Sitta. That's seemingly my loss: Nelson is extremely interesting and made a great guest. (Sponsored by Squarespace.)

Posted on March 13th, 2013

John Flansburgh on Unprofessional

My first They Might Be Giants album was, at turns out, two albums. That’s because, unbeknownst to me at the time, the illegal, immoral, and unethical dubbed cassette my sister made for me contained the band’s self-titled debut album on one side, and Flood on the other.

I thought it seemed awfully long.

I also thought it seemed awesome.

I’ve paid for those albums—and every other TMBG album—at least twice since, in both cassette and CD form.

They Might Be Giants are exactly what I want out of music. TMBG remains my favorite band now, a rank the band first ascended to maybe two decades ago or so.

So, as you might imagine, it was a thrill when co-frontman and co-founder John Flansburgh dropped by this week’s episode of Unprofessional

My two biggest fears going into the recording session: What if John hated me? And, even worse, what if I somehow didn't like John?

The fears were unnecessary. John was a perfect guest.

Posted on February 13th, 2013

The West Wing theme song

I just finished re-watching the entirety of The West Wing via Netflix. Although I got really good at dragging the iPad's playback slider the perfect amount to skip from the beginning of the opening credits to their conclusion, I didn't always leverage my newfound talent. W.G. "Snuffy" Walden's theme song for The West Wing was and remains a thing of beauty, perfectly setting the tone for the show.

Years ago, when my wife and I still lived in Los Angeles, I'd watch The West Wing every week when it aired. And eventually, I decided a theme song as masterful as The West Wing's deserved not just Snuffy's excellent orchestration, but also lyrics to accompany it.

That's when I wrote these words to The West Wing's theme. Enjoy.

Posted on February 6th, 2013

How to perform any card trick

This piece originally ran in a similar form in The Magazine for iOS. Download the app, subscribe, and read more good stuff.

The real trick that magicians perform happens long before you’re amazed. When many non-magicians think of magic tricks, they focus on sleight of hand: some fancy finger work alongside misdirection that allows the trickster to get away with monkey business that wouldn’t play if looked at directly.

For magicians, sleight of hand is the (relatively) easy part. Of course it plays a key role in close-up magic; without it, most tricks won’t work. But the prestidigitation distracts from where the hard work takes place, such as practicing card tricks endlessly, privately, in front of a mirror, until the moves become deeply ingrained and subconscious.

Whether it’s the French Drop, the Zarrow Shuffle, or some other maneuver, the magician’s goal is to perform the actual trickery long before they make you look in the wrong place at the right time. You think you’re watching yourself getting fooled, but the fooling happened before you even thought to look.

Find the lady

When my father sees an amazing trick performed live, what he describes is impossible: “He never touched the cards! My card appeared inside my jacket pocket, and the magician never touched me and never touched the cards!” Of course, that’s not how it happened. But that’s how it felt—which means the magician did his job.

I’m my dad’s go-to explainer when an illusion leaves him perplexed. My father calls me for insight into the dark arts because I became obsessed with magic at young age, attended a summer camp for years where magic was part of the agenda, and even appeared onstage with David Copperfield. Okay, that last accomplishment happened when I was five and called up as a volunteer, but the point remains: I love magic.

I prefer close-up magic to stage magic. I like tricks that involve objects we see every day—items that spectators are free to inspect. When even my favorite magicians (Penn & Teller) perform large-scale tricks on stage, they use props they made themselves, standing on their own stage; it feels more like theater or special effects to me. But close-up magic is right in your face with everyday objects. The deception and maneuvers involved in stage magic may well be more difficult, but close-up magic can often be performed without any special investment beyond time to practice.

That’s why I love card tricks. Sure, there are all sorts of trick decks (stripper decks, Svengali decks, invisible decks, and so on), but a traditional, unmarked, gimmick-free deck of cards offers a near-infinite number of tricks for the well-prepared magician. And for the beginning magician, the real magic is that you can perform hundreds of card tricks after learning only one significant move.

I am lying

The best way to learn card tricks is from a teacher, in person. The next best way is probably YouTube videos. We’ll resort to the third and least satisfying approach: Reading. Let’s proceed.

You know that magic is mostly about lying. If magicians told the truth, their tricks would suck: “Now we’ve put your signed bullet into this trick gun. I’m going to pretend to shoot the fake gun in a moment.”

The big lie for card magicians is the well-worn phrase: “Pick a card—any card.” The phrase’s built-in repetition implies that you’re choosing your own card. But it’s much easier for the magician to work his magic if you’re taking a card that the conjurer knows in advance. The technical term for such a maneuver is a force. There are many dozens of forces, but you only need to master one to perform hundreds of card tricks.

You want your mark to pick the card of your choosing. Shuffle the deck as you’d like, and then flip the cards face up, so that you and your audience can see them. You’re ostensibly doing this to show that the deck is legitimate and well-mixed. In fact, all you care about is spotting the top card in the deck. Let’s say it’s the King of Spades.

After you’ve shown the deck, flip it back over, square the sides, and place it on the table. Ask your audience to split the deck roughly in half, setting the top half of the deck face down next to the bottom half. Now you have two side-by-side piles of facedown cards: the top half of the deck is in the first pile, and the bottom half is in the second. You take the bottom half and place it perpendicularly atop the first pile.

Let’s take a step back now and observe where we are. The top card—the King of Spades—is at the top of the first pile. The bottom half of the deck is perpendicular, right on top of it. That’s obvious to you. It might even be obvious to your victim, but only for a fleeting moment. Your job now is to distract the audience, even if merely for an instant. This is your force’s misdirection. You want the mark to look away from the cards, however briefly.

It’s easy. You know your audience better than I do. You’re going to say something—anything—to get your mark’s attention up to your eyes. You might say, “Do you believe in magic?” Or you could try: “Did I tell you the story about [mutual friend’s name]? Remind me to tell you after this trick.” Maybe it’s: “Now, watch this.” Or: “I haven’t practiced much, so I might screw this up, okay?”

Once your victim’s eyes have left the piles, however briefly, you can pull off this next move. All you need to do is act like there’s nothing untoward about it. You return to the two piles and pull the top card of the lower pile—in our example, the King of Spades—slightly forward. You’re extending it so that it protrudes from the rest of the deck, pointing right at your audience, still face down. The subtle implication: this is your card, that you selected at random, and the one you should now pick.

The unsubtle instructions that you speak are simple. “Go ahead and grab the card you cut to.”

Again, let’s be clear: You’re lying. And this force sounds painfully stupid written out this way. But in performance, when the whole card selection piece takes fewer than 20 seconds, the steps involved seem completely natural. Your victim believes that the card he or she grabs—the one you pulled out after the cut—is the randomly selected, cut-to card. You know it’s the top card. You know it’s the King of Spades.

Don’t tell.

And let me stress: It’s very important that the mark be the one to pull the card from the deck—not you. That subconsciously drives home the (entirely false) notion that “I picked this card myself”. Ask the mark to memorize the selected card. If there are other folks around watching you perform your feat, make sure they memorize the card, too. Card tricks are far less impressive if the audience can’t remember which card was picked. (It was the King of Spades, you guys.) Have the mark put the card back in the deck and shuffle things up.

At this point, you can perform limitless variations.

The effect

Here’s where the magic trick becomes jazz. Sure, you could just say, “You picked the King of Spades.” Don’t do that. That’s a lousy trick.

Instead, play. You might look through the deck with patter like this: “Now’s the time when most magicians would look through the deck and try to find your card. And then they’d say, ‘Aha! Here it is, your card: The Four of Diamonds!’”

“Um…no,” your audience will reply. “But I’m not most magicians!” you continue, before revealing their card.

Alternatively, if you can know which card will be on top of the deck ahead of time—in other words, if you pre-select which card you force—you get a slew of fancier options: You could have a duplicate of the selected card in your pocket. Or a slip with the card’s name inside a sealed envelope that you present. You could “screw up” and guess the wrong card, say, “Let me check the instructions again,” and then turn to your iPhone, which sports lock-screen wallpaper of the selected card.

You can have the audience hold onto the card, and then you’ll quickly look through the rest of the deck and using your powerful memorization abilities to figure out which card is missing. The key with a lie (trick) like that one is to make sure that you struggle a bit as you quickly fly through all the cards, “memorizing them.” “Ah, the only one missing is the, uh, it’s a face card—the King, of, um…I saw Hearts, Clubs, and I think Diamonds…I’m going with Spades!”

You could ask the audience simply to concentrate on the card. “It’s a high one…I’m seeing a black card. I think it’s the King…of…Clubs?” (Sometimes, getting the answer a tiny bit wrong makes the whole thing seem even more magical.)

Heck, you could say, “Never mind, I forget how it works,” and then iMessage “You picked the King of Spades” two hours later.

The point is, once you force your audience to choose a specific card, there are a huge number of payoffs you can offer with that intel. The key is to make the rest of the trick seem like it’s where the magic happens, to lace that part with as many flourishes as you can.

If you’ve seen one card trick, you haven’t seen them all, but you’ve seen an awful lot. The trick with tricks is to make each effect feel unique and remarkable, regardless of how simple the secret really is.

Of course, you won’t want to perform three tricks in a row using the same force; the unusual card selection process arouses suspicion after a couple go-rounds. But by simply mastering one simple force, you gain the ability to perform countless tricks—as long as you can devise masterful payoffs.

Free as in beer

What’s the point? Why deceive your friends with a regular deck of cards and some general chicanery? I love magic as both spectator and performer because I love that feeling of amazement and disbelief at the impossibility on display—coupled with the searing knowledge that you have been deceived. What happened can’t happen.

My favorite tricks to perform are the ones whose moves I’ve mastered so well that I don’t think about them as I perform them, because I end up impressed by the magic, too.

But if the sensation I’m describing isn’t enough, know that you can use your newfound card trick prowess to score a free beer, so long as you’re not performing for other readers of The Magazine. Here’s how:

Do the force. Shuffle the deck. Heck, have the mark shuffle the cards; it doesn’t matter, because you already know the selected card. Now, start slowly flipping cards one by one from the deck face up onto the table. Pass the forced card without any indication that you’re passing it. In other words, flip past the card you know was selected, and just keep going, flipping up more cards. Six or seven cards later, pause, with the next card from the deck facedown in your fingers.

“I’ll bet you that the next card I flip will be yours. If I’m right, you buy me a beer. If I’m wrong, I buy you two.”

The mark will all-too-eagerly take the bet. You’ll lean over and flip the already-exposed card over and smile smugly.

That’s magic.

Posted on January 22nd, 2013

An Unprofessional update

I’ve been lax (and Lex) about posting information on new episodes of Unprofessional here.

For the uninitiated, Unprofessional is a podcast I cohost with Dave Wiskus. We talk to interesting people about anything but their day jobs. The only thing that can rival how fun the show is for me to make is how fun it is to hear from people who enjoy the show. I’m awfully glad they do!

Here are a few recent episodes:

Who’s Your Haberdasher featured guest Serenity Caldwell—a Macworld coworker and friend of mine. We talk about hobbies and passions. Ren’s a great guest, and we talk about some pretty common elements of the human condition. This episode was sponsored by the very kind folks at Lynda.com, a website which helps anyone learn software, creative, and business skills to achieve their personal and professional goals.

Motherbleeper saw us visited by Mike Lee, and I don’t think the episode was worse for the fact that Mike hates us and everything we stand for. Not really. I mean, not really, he doesn’t hate us, not “not really, the episode stinks.” It’s a good episode. This episode was brought to you by TextExpander, and I don’t mind admitting that I used TextExpander about 25 times in creating this post, without even thinking about it.

A Very Unprofessional Christmas marked one of the few times in my life I’ve been in a conversation with a professional male model. This one was Jay Graves, who’s been the face of the Slanket. The episode, incestuously enough, was sponsored by The Slanket, and also by the fine Apple TV/Pictionary-style game SketchParty TV.

The Opposite of Name-Dropping mostly exists because of that old adage, “If you haven’t yet had Glenn Fleishman on your podcast, you don’t really have a podcast.” We discuss Twitter abuse, fame, and dream jobs. The episode was sponsored by RapidEars, which offers iOS developers the ability to provide realtime speech recognition in their apps—without a network connection.

If you want to help the show out, follow it on Twitter, like it on Facebook, write us a review in iTunes, and patronize all our sponsors and tell them we sent you.

Posted on January 13th, 2013

Friedman's razor (blade)

When you decide to ditch crappy disposable blades and electric razors in favor of indulgent wet shaving, there’s an initial, unavoidable ramp-up cost: You need to acquire a good razor, a good shaving brush, good shaving soap, and ideally, an alum block. But none of that stuff is useful without good blades.

When I started wet shaving a couple years ago, I bought a Merkur Model 180 Long Handled Safety Razor, which I still use and love. And since I was buying a Merkur razor, I figured it made good sense to pick up some Merkur double-edged razor blades, too. So I bought 50 of them, for about $30. (I now know that I can make a blade last about a week, so that was essentially a year’s worth of blades.)

The one problem: I hate the Merkur razor blades. They hurt my face.

As it turns out, the decision of which blade to buy is a pretty personal one. It depends upon which razor you use, how tightly you tighten the razor after installing the blade, and your shaving angle. Different blades perform differently in different razors, and on different beards.

The solution, then, is to try many blades. But how?

The sampler pack

You want a sampler pack. These are, unsurprisingly, assembled by folks who buy numerous blade packs, and mix and match the results to put together a scattershot collection of blade brands. You can buy 100 blades for $25, which is kind of a steal. But once you get the sampler pack, you’ll want to use the right process for determining your favorite brand.

Pro-tip: The right process isn’t trying a new blade each time you shave until you find your favorite.

Instead, try this approach: First, pick a blade brand at random from your sampler back, open the box, and get started. You’re going to use the new razor blade brand for a couple weeks. You want to average out all sorts of potential blade hiccups—extra beard growth if you skip a day, the occasional rogue bad blade, your own bad shaving prep one day, and so on.

If it all possible, you’ll want to avoid the urge to experiment with your shaving soap and brush prep; rather, keep all other things equal as you experiment with your new blade brand.

After you know the shave with that blade well, switch to another brand. You don’t need to take notes or keep a log, either. Just start using the new blade, with the same basic prep, for another couple weeks to average out all those same variances. Then, answer for yourself one question: Is the shave with this blade brand better?

Define “better” however you like. I look for a solid combination of feel and effect—that is, how the blade feels on the skin, and what kind of shave it performs. If a shave looks great but feels awful, I’m not interested in the blade. And if the shave feels delightful on my face, but leaves me with an 11:45am shadow, I’m similarly disappointed.

Use the new blade for a couple weeks, and decide whether it’s, to your judgment, superior or inferior to the first. If the first was superior, go back to that blade for a couple weeks again, so that you can get your face used to that experience once more. If the newer blade’s the better option, you’re ready to try the next brand from your sampler.

Continue the process without rushing it: Try new blade brands for a couple weeks at a time, and decide whether they’re better or worse than your previously-selected favorite. If they’re better, try the next brand to compare. If they’re worse, go back again to your current favorite for a couple weeks. And I’ll stress once more that you shouldn’t experiment with the rest of your shaving ritual—razor, brush, soap—during this process.

My favorite won’t be yours

And while I’m repeating myself, it bears extra emphasis: There is no one perfect blade; the one that works best for me may well not work best for you. Again, it’s entirely dependent on your face, your razor, and your angle.

Some folks swear by Feather blades, which have a reputation as being very sharp, mostly because they are very sharp. I find that the downside to Feather blades is that, no matter how patiently I shave, I end up with neck nicks when I use those blades in my razor. All that extra blood helps me get a smooth shave, but nobody makes me bleed my own blood.

In my experimentation, I found that—for now, at least—Rainbow blades are my favorites. Of course, they come with a couple significant downsides: They ship in cardboard boxes, not the sturdier plastic sleeves that include space for disposing your old blades; they have a higher rate (though still a very low one overall) of dud blades; and—perhaps worst of all—it doesn’t appear that Amazon is selling them right now. (You can get them elsewhere.)

Once you have a favorite blade, you can—and should—still experiment with other blades from time to time. You’ll have plenty left from your sampler pack, and as your shaving technique (and supplies) evolve, it’s worth revisiting other blade brands to see whether your perspective and preferences change.

Now, at some point, we should talk about making great lather. But let’s save that for another time.

Posted on January 6th, 2013

Boy, you never know when it's going to be time for the talk

Anya is six.

She and Sierra were playing down in the basement. I was with them, as was Liam, in between his numerous, non-stop diaper changes. (He's finishing up his encounter with a stomach bug that kept him in the hospital for three days, two nights.)

I was—luckily?—downstairs to overhear this conversation she was having with Sierra (age four), regarding the various toys they were playing with.

Anya: He's really happy, because he has a lot of sex.

Me: He... what? 

Anya: He's happy, because he has a lot of sex.

Me: A lot of what?

Anya: Sex.

Me: Um. What's sex?

Anya: You know, sex. Like, bags.

Me: SACKS?!

Anya: Yeah, sacks. 

Dodged a bullet.

Posted on January 6th, 2013

A very Chinese food Christmas

Christmas really is different for Jews. Mostly because we sit around and nothing, interrupted occasionally by Chinese food and the movies.

This morning, as I sang various Christmas carols around the house, obnoxiously substituting in “Hannukah” for no good reason, I then crooned: It’s beginning to look a lot like wontons.”

Not hilarious. But a perfect melding—to my mind and ear—of Christmas music and the cliched Chinese food that characterizes the holiday for me. Then, I took over Twitter timelines everywhere with various improvised Christmas/Chinese parodies. A clever follower by the name of Judah (@judahe) suggested the hashtag #RiceChristmas, which I couldn’t fit, but loved.

It’s beginning to look a lot like wontons…

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell wok…

We wish you a crispy chicken
We wish you a crispy chicken
We wish you a crispy chicken
And a side of moo shoo

God rest ye chicken szechuan,
With brown rice on the tray…

Simply having
Some chicken with garlic sauce

To the tune of Feliz Navidad
Eat up these wontons
Eat up these wontons
Eat up these wontons,
Before they’re gone,
Eat the wontons
I want to eat some sesame chicken!
I want to eat some sesame chicken!
I want to eat some sesame chicken,
And maybe, some crispy duck!

Rockin’ around
The crispy beef,
Have a happy holiday

Oh sesame,
Oh sesame,
You taste so good on chicken...

You better not shout
You better not cry
You better not pout,
I’m telling you why:
Hunan beef is coming—
Chow down!
I’ll feed you crispy chicken,
I’ll feed you egg fu young,
I’ll feed you fortune cookies if
You’ll pass the veal chow fun

He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows you want some egg foo young
And your dumplings fried, not baked

Dashing through the snow
With my order on the way
A pint of General Tso’s,
And some egg drop soup—hooray!
Sweet and sour sauce
Some ribs are en route, too
Since they’ll deliver today,
It’s fun to be a Jew!
Oh, Chinese food
Chinese food
Chinese food today
Oh thank God
For Chinese food
Since everything else is, you know, closed for Christmas.

Angels we have heard on high,
“This beef chow mein, you have to try.”

Chestnuts roasting in some garlic sauce,
Duck sauce dripping on your clothes
Although it’s been said many times, many ways
I’m still hungry, oh noes

Fill my plate with ginger tofu
Fa la la la la, and hoisin sauce

Kung Pao merrily on my
Plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate

No veal,
No veal,
No veal,
No veal!
Our order’s messed up,
Now sad’s how I feel

Hark, did our doorbell just ring?
Let’s eat Kong Po Chicken Ding!

Joy to the world,
We have dim sum!

Oh the weather outside is frightful
Wonton soup would be delightful
And since all the rest are closed,
Let’s get Tso’s, let’s get Tso’s, let’s get Tso’s

Oh, holy crap
Moo Goo Gai Pan’s so spicy…

To the tune of Silent Night
Side of rice,
So much rice,
White and brown,
So much around…
Some is fried,
And some is not
Goes well with the moo shoo that I got
Feed me more Chinese please,
Feed me more Chinese please

Silver bells
Silver bells
This orange beef is so sticky

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
A quart of some beef with broccoli

It’s the most tofu-filled time
Of the year…

Here comes garlic sauce,
Here comes garlic sauce,
Dripping right off my chin

I saw Mommy with the hoisin sauce…

Posted on December 25th, 2012